Saturday, April 17, 2010

My heart's on Fire

Before you read the rest of this entry, please press play on the video featured below. This song has the same feeling that today did, and I think that it would set the mood for this entry.

That, and it's just a really good song :)

1. I woke up in soooo much pain. My horrible throat pains. Seriously my throat was raw, and it was actually pretty gross because I woke up in a puddle of my own drool. I mean, it's been happening a lot since I've been sick, since it really hurts to swallow, but this was just ridiculous. I am giving my pillows a very thorough washing tonight

2. Krystal called me, she hurt her knee at the clubs last night and was sitting in the waiting room at the hospital. She wanted me to work her shift at Bella Napoli, but I declined. I mean, seeing as how I quit that job and all. And it's funny, because for a split second, I was about to break out my apron and run over there until I caught myself. I guess I do really miss that place

3. We have to make a documentary for my English class on Payday Loans. The problem is, it's a group project and I hate working in groups so much. So I went to Kinley's to meet my group, just hating the world because my bus was late, because I actually have to go and meet a group, because I'm sick and didn't feel well, because I wanted to curl up in bed and watch season 3 of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia instead.

4. I meet my group and start hating the world even more, because the guy in the group is a "leader" type, and I'm the "if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself" type, and neither one of us was the letting the other talk. And Payday Loan offices apparently don't give interviews so this documentary seems to be going down the drain

5. So I'm hating the world right? With my sore throat, and an unfinished documentary, and I decided to get some soup at Kinley's because god knows there's nothing to eat at my house. And one of the girls from my group sits down with me because she's waiting for her ride, and starts talking to me. Like actually talking to me. I mean, no lies, she's the socially awkward type, and she told me that there's a reason for that. It's actually a condition, and it actually made me happy to hear that. Not because she has a condition, but because a person that I don't know very well just decided to tell me that. She also told me that it caused her family a lot of stress, and as if on cue, her father walks in right then, the most cheerful looking guy in the world. It made me so happy.

6. So she leaves and I'm chewing on my ramen by myself, and a girl sitting on the couch across from me giggles and looks up at me. I have no idea why she giggled but I noticed that she was barefoot, and I noticed that she was wearing a flowy white skirt, and that she was reading Khalil Gibran. And she goes up to the counter and orders something to drink, and the guy there asks her if she has ever read a certain Syrian author. And I told the girl through my thoughts "I used to be you." Wearing flowy skirts that were as free as I wanted to be, and reading books that would set me as free as my skirt, and going everywhere barefoot without caring about "germs", and striking up conversations about books with random people in restaurants. And I really miss being that girl

7. I left Kinley's and waited at my bus stop, with the bus running late again, but this time I didn't mind as much. The sun was warm, and I noticed a homeless guy sitting at one of the benches. I know it wasn't always safe, but I used to talk to a lot of homeless people at bus stops, and I stopped awhile ago because of the safety issue. But I had to check the schedule that was posted next to him, and I went and we chatted. He was a veteran, like many other homeless men are, sadly. And he told me about his life. Awful things about how he saw his brother dying right next to him in combat, but he told me other things too. Like how his youngest daughter is twenty one and that she's beautiful and that all the guys are chasing after her. It made him happy

8. A guy came over, one of the veterans' friends apparently. He kept looking over at me while he was talking to the man, and finally acknowledged me. He asked me "So, do you go to school here?" I said yes. He asked "So what are you into? Like, what do you do?" Like a robot I asked "What, like my major?" he said "Uhm, sure? I guess." It was the split second that made me realize, I have nothing going for me anymore. No passions, no ambition, no direction. Anything. And this may just sound like a pity rant, but it really upsets me. I used to know what I loved and I loved doing it. I don't anymore... I'm too young for a midlife crisis.

9. Needing some cheering up, I went over to Bella Napoli to say hi to the folks. I miss everyone so much. They were my family, totally and completely, and it makes me sad that I had to leave them. But I mean, depth doesn't frequent Bella Napoli. Only the well kept and kind of snobby do, and it was killing my faith in humanity a little, being treated like I was a servant and not a server.

10. So now I'm home, mulling over my life, knowing that this post is going to come out waaay too long. But it's okay. This makes up for all of the non-posting that I have done. Maybe I'll finish my masquerade mask, start on my texture project, maybe even do my final project if I'm feeling frisky. And then I can mull some things over some more.

11. The only thing that could have made this day so much better, was if I were able to see my love :) Maybe tomorrow? Wish me luck :)


  1. Something's wrong with your layout :( Your sentences are getting cut off!

  2. Mucho mejor! (layout)

    Take it easy, lady! Things will get better, just you wait! Especially your throat/sinuses - with lots of cough drops, hot soup, humidifying, and patience. Just go with the flow, even if it's a little bumpy right now ... you'll find your niche. :)