Hell

And so ends one of the longest, most hellish, most sleepless nights of my entire life.
Long story short, Derick is holed up in county.
He didn't do anything bad - at least not to the extent that I consider bad.
We were pulled over last night
I was patted down, told to sit on the sidewalk, and was forced to watch as my boyfriend was interrogated and later handcuffed and led to the back of a squad car
Yeah, I felt pretty helpless
And really really angry
But I don't think a cop would have appreciated me telling him to get his dirty paws off of my boyfriend

But the search and the experience with the police was the easiest part of my night.
I haven't slept
At all
Unless you count the thirty minutes when I accidentally dozed off around five thirty and woke up at six
I'm still wearing last nights clothes and makeup
I've got mascara circled around my eyes from sobbing into my pillow every ten minutes
And I've got to say that knowing that the person you love is in fucking county jail, surrounded by the real criminals has got to be the most sickening, most heartbreaking, most torturous feeling in the world.
Especially when you know the real story behind what happened.

Luckily I just received a phone call from him.
He says he's doing fine, and even though I know that they're not about to send him to work making license plates, I'm still worried sick for him
And I guess that him being fine is all that I can ask for in a situation like this.
But damn if I wasn't kicking myself all night for not doing things differently
Not even like the big things that would have changed the course of the night
But the small things
No matter how many times a day you hug the person you love, you don't realize that it's not enough until something like this happens
For all the times Derick and I have shared an "I love you", last night, it just didn't seem like enough. If I had known what was going to happen, "I love you" would have been the only thing that I would have said to him all day.

And while we're on the subject of "I love you", why is that the only phrase we have for something like that???
I'm sorry, but when I finally got that call from Derick, saying I love you just wasn't good enough for what I felt for him right then.
I love you x 1000000000000000000000 would have been much more accurate. But the English language doesn't have a phrase for that yet. I say we invent one


--------- Update ---------

So Derick is now home safe and sound and I'm finally breathing easier. Phew!